My Epiphany

I've been doing night duty taking care of my grandma, who is--for the most part--successfully recovering from her surgery, so I spend many nights quietly in room and reflecting on my life. Ever since I returned home from Europe, I'd been back to my old ways of feeling sorry for myself, realizing what I'm lacking, remembering all the horrible memories. I don't recall feeling like this while in Europe, and I think it's because I knew I was experiencing something most people don't get the opportunity to have, so I considered myself lucky. Now that I'm back, 15 pounds heavier than my very heaviest weight, with no friends with whom to socialize and have fun, my self-pity was easy to return to.

Let me say that I've been in therapy on-and-off since I was 15. 15! Maybe I've known some pretty well-balanced people, but no one I knew had as many mental problems as I had at 15. So here I was now trying to work on myself by myself. I always feel it's beneficial to put into practice all that you learn in therapy. I tried moving forward, immediately erasing any bad thoughts in my head, not obsessing over people on Facebook. But no matter what bad memories kept popping into my head, feelings of worthlessness made me want to compare my "pitiful" life to others' more exciting ones. Although I've had more happy days than sad ones, I still felt bad for myself and craved for more--more friends, achievements, and just more things to be proud of.

During one of my quiet nights, my epiphany finally hit. I can't tell you exactly what led up to it, but I remember exactly where on my bed I was sitting when my "a-ha" moment came at me like a flash. I have to be honest here, which leads me to admit some embarrassing details: I'm pretty sure I was at least somewhat influenced by Phoebe Buffet on Friends. I've recently kept up with the syndication on Nickelodeon, and I adore the character: she's quirky, doesn't care what people think, doesn't follow social norms, and most of all, she's thoughtful and moral. I realized I have spent SO much time striving for better. I read about people and hear people's stories about going to a good school, having loads of friends, getting scholarships and honors, and having a good job. Maybe that's not the life for me. God knows I'm not particularly academic or a social butterfly. I've never been good at accepting myself because a) I just wasn't happy enough with myself, and b) I thought it would be akin to giving up on myself. But then on my epiphany night, I realized, "What's so bad about 'giving up on myself.'?"

Now hear me out: Think of all that seems to be occupying your mind you at this moment. How many of those problems involve YOU? I know a lot of mine have. I wanted to be successful. I wanted to have a lot of friends. But it wasn't happening for me, which was why I was always depressed. But I look at other aspects of my life, like my family, and I realize how lucky I am. My grandma basically nearly died--in fact, she may have died and then been resurrected--after the first surgery's complications, no one had a tragic life or death, and my mom...I am the luckiest person to be the daughter of such an amazing woman. How can my life be so horrid if I look at everything else outside myself that is so wonderful?

And I think of my mom. She's a simple woman; she constantly says how she doesn't need much to be happy. At first, I'll be frank, I felt sorry that she expected so little out of life. Not until now do I see what she meant. A happy life is very simple--literally. A happy life only consists of the bare necessities and love for others. And if you're truly lucky, love from others as well. That's all. I feel so much love from my family and I have so much love for them. And I know that everything I've obsessed about--my weight, my looks, my low popularity--means little to them.

My goal in life now is to make others happy because that is when I feel irrevocably happy. When I carved this goal in stone, I literally felt a burden lifted from me. My problems were solved. And this is saying a lot, since I can proclaim that I've felt depressed since age 12. Now at 23, I think I've found the secret to happy living. And, to whomever reads this, I would like to know your feedback. I just want to get this out publicly, because I would have avoided years of self-pity and depression if I could have just realized this earlier. But I know that people go through their own self-discoveries and sometimes hearing or reading it doesn't suffice as opposed to experiencing it.